Da Funky Bunkah

Here's something I miss from UK cinemas, the latest "please turn off your phone" spot from Orange, featuring half of the Expendables 2 cast, and James Buckley (one of the actors from the long-running British TV show The Inbetweeners, kind of a celebrity over there), playing their awkward new recruit, "Orange Communications officer" Robert Crumper.

Lionsgate has been really busy taking the video down from every sharing site, so I'm not sure how long this copy will remain watchable. You can try find it on this link, too.

orange spot expendables 2 from Daniel on Vimeo.

All the jokes, especially the movie references with the subtlety of an average Michael Bay action scene - "Call Trench [the name of Arnie's character], we're evacuating! We'll be back for you, Crumpy" - fall magnificently flat. Still, there's something really fun and likable about that geeky kid. Probably just because I'm an egoist and he reminds me of myself and my webdwelling ge-generation. Also, that orange/grey military clothing actually looks kinda cool, unlike the try-hard com/ma/cho/ndo outfits worn by Sly and the others.

They should do a movie about Crumper. In the right hands he could be the John McClane of my generation, with some heavy, but actually entertaining camp value. Get Buckley for the role, and who knows, they might won't even need that boring blue/grey filter from every post-2007 action flick to make him appear young.

Gawd, now I told them real good, didn't I?

Just for the record, I still found The Expendables to be somewhat enjoyable, and you can bet your ass arse I'll be watching the sequel. Can't wait to see ol' Chuck single-handedly cameo-ing everyone out of existence. Or something like that.

Fiend Without a Face

It would make me a hipster to say it's a shame that Slender Man became so mainstream (yup, I hate that phrase too) thanks to that game from a few months ago. Saying that it doesn't bother me at all would make me a liar.

My problem isn't that the thing lost its underground appeal - with an online fakelore myth you can't seriously say that it had anything underground in it anyway. It does feel strange to hear and see people constantly talk about Slendy and using pictures of him as Facebook avatars without being aware of Victor Surge and Something Awful, having seen any of the video serials, ever mentioning Masky, the Operator Symbol or HABIT help us, mutha-wifin' Ron Browz's infamous 20 Dollaz epic, but eventually a growing fanbase isn't a bad thing. Unless you're that kind of sore hipster that I've just turned out to be.

Remember this tagline? He only exists because you think of him. Try not to think of him. Thing is... Slender Man was an awesome and awesomely inspiring phenomenon, inception of things both frightening and/or funny, a lot of video series and ARGs, thousands of in-game and factual blogs, millions of fan art pieces, theories, thoughts, a real modern urban legend of epic proportions. And most people won't know about any of that.

They won't, because he crept his way into spotlight as the 2scary48mins antagonist of a game. That's right, "Slender", as nowadays every other user calls him, has become, and always will be remembered as a simple video game character. And I can't help to feel some kind of loss, or a missed opportunity here. Once a truly frightening, but also insanely fun character of our collective fears, he's now sitting innocently among other conquered monsters of our pop-culture. Nothing new in that. The Cthulhu plush, the vampire Teddy, the facehugger pillow. Slendy never had a chance.

Still, I would never say anything bad about the game. It's clearly a work of an inspired fan, and it is really well-done, a great, totally  free of charge chance to experience about eight minutes of Marble Hornets-style paranoia and jump scares. Give it a try, crap your pants, then muster your courage and give it a few more tries.

And after all is said and done, do more one thing for me, an old-timer pathetic, suit-wearing mythsucker hipster: whether it was in the game or not, remember the very first time Ol' Slendah scared you. This is the least of what we, the fans owe to this legend and the creative minds behind it.

He only exists because you think of him. Think of, and never, ever forget him.